As embarrassed as I am to admit this, my depression has taken a strangle hold of me once again. I have kept it at bay for almost a year after titrating off meds and generally taking very good care of myself. Lately, everything feels overwhelming and this, the feeling of being overwhelmed, is the one trigger that can send me in to a deep depression. I spent the weekend entirely indoors save for the few hours I was at the farm. I become a hermit when I am depressed. It's awful, I don't get out of my lounge pants, I don't want to walk Hugo, I don't go out for anything. Why am I admitting all of this here? Well, it's beginning to impact my riding in a strange way.
I have always counted on horses to keep me out of trouble. I think most of the blogs I follow are authored by girls much like myself, who at one point or another, needed horses in a way that no human could ever replace. They kept me away from peer pressure, boys, skipping school, and more than anything, they became a huge motivator. My Mom could get me to clean the house top to bottom just for permission to go to the stables. And while she may have exploited this power here and there...I was willing to do anything to ride. Lately, my depression has worsened and I found myself barely excited about going to the farm. In fact, I didn't go Tuesday OR Thursday...so even though I knew I HAD to go this weekend, I didn't feel like it.
Saturday morning I dragged myself out of bed and headed out to the farm reluctantly. Kiki was happy to see me, which always warms my heart (*each and every time she comes to me in the field I remember those moments she had me chasing her and the other mares for 20 minutes just to catch her). The mare likes me...it's quite funny, and I suspect she considers me a herd mate...which may end being a bad thing, but more likely she sees me as a treat factory. I decided to lunge her since I was going to ride indoors (the footing outside is like concrete) and I haven't taken her indoors in a long time, certainly not since her turnout was moved and I wasn't sure if she was going to be goofy...plus she had 5 days off (tsk, tsk). She was fairly good for most of the lunging, and I tightened the side reins so they were actually keeping her in a bit of a frame. It was reassuring to see her relax and use her back, drop her head and let out a few sneezes. I don't do too much on the lunge line because she's still finding her balance and a 20 meter circle can still be a lot to ask of her, so just 5 minutes either way and I hopped on. Well, I guess it's been a long time since I lunged her and then rode, but she felt fantastic! The 10 minutes I spent lunging her in side reins took 20 minutes of riding-a-giraffe-instead-of-a-horse out of our warm up. She was soft, using her back and on the aids almost immediately! She felt lovely and we trotted around on the lovely footing for 45 minutes doing lots of little exercises. It was nice being at the farm alone...riding at noon on a Saturday almost assures me of some quiet time, and it certainly helped my mood a little.
I remained a shut-in for the rest of the weekend until finally Sunday evening I decided to go ride. I was really in a terrible mood and I was moderately worried about how that would effect my ride. One of the things I (and likely lots of other female riders) have struggled with is NOT riding emotionally. I think that athleticism aside, this is the biggest way male and female riders differ...it's why the 18 year old male exercise rider can show up, ride the craziest racehorse-in-training and not even get slightly flustered...while I take it personally when Kiki does something bratty. Here's what happened. Kiki was in the farthest turnout, and although I clearly intruded on her early evening snack, she still greeted me and walked right over. We did much of the same routine as Saturday except I lunged her a little a little longer on each side and asked for some canter departs (*insert crow-hopping here). Once I got on she was again, light and forward and she just felt fantastic. So I started trotting, and trotting, and trotting...circles, transitions, bends, leg yields, more trotting...what had my bad mood allowed me? Tenacity. I rode, and kept riding. My mind was in such turmoil, I wasn't thinking about how long I had been riding, or that my legs were tired from posting, or that it was hot...I just pushed through it. For the first time since I have been riding Kiki she rode consistently at a steady forward pace, she was blowing through her nose with every other stride, and she felt athletic. We felt amazing together. I didn't want to stop, selfishly because I knew that reality would come crashing back...but we had a lovely ride. We cooled down outside and watched the sunset together. For that small chapter of my Sunday evening, Kiki saved me.
I tried to get a few nice photos of her (and being a photographer makes it especially frustrating) so she did her best to make it as challenging as possible. At least she has a sense of humor.
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