Agoraphobia: fear of situations in which escape is difficult

Sing it, Freddy!

A few nights ago, I watched a brilliant documentary about Queen (ahem, the music group not her Majesty). I held a sing-a-long for 2 hours, alone  -- though my neighbors probably heard me -- and I found myself reminiscing about long car rides with my Dad as a child. These were hours spent driving to and from the horse farm and it was then that his musical tastes started to influence me. Living in England it seemed natural to love The Beatles (and we did), and my Dad had a real thing for Paul McCartney. We listened to Fleetwood Mac, ABBA, Tracy Chapman and of course Queen. Queen was a group that was misunderstood initially in the US, but in England they were already huge stars. I would watch concerts replayed on television and thought naively how amazing it must have been to stand there in a sea of people and sing "We Are The Champions" along with Freddy and the rest of the boys. Watching the documentary rekindled that though...oh my, how special it must have been to see them play. Thousands and thousands of people all singing together in solidarity...suddenly, I found myself feeling nauseous...my hands got clammy and before I knew it I started thinking about worst case scenarios in that big stadium. You see, as someone who has struggled with slight variations of panic disorder, I find the idea of being in a massive crowd like that nearly sickening. Want some insight into the anxious/worrier personality? Here's how my thought process develops: first and foremost, how do you use the bathroom? I mean, do people wear diapers? Go on the floor? Ask someone to hold their spot to make the trek off to the port-a-potty to wait in line for an hour? What happens if you lose the people you came to the concert with? They didn't have cell phones back then...did they have a meet up spot? Nah, all those people seemed too cool for that. What if there was a fire? What if the stage collapsed? Did they know where the closest exit was? What if you passed out, was there ANY chance of getting medical care or would you have your face stomped to the beat of "We Will Rock You"? Sigh.

Can you even imagine?

This, my friends, is a sad reality I have to deal with as an adult. I am plagued with a mild case of Agoraphobia (and not in the sense that I have a fear of open spaces or leaving the house) the fear of situations in which escape is difficult. I generally avoid large crowds and stick to smaller venues to see bands I like. I have gone to very few big sporting events (and I am developing a love for baseball living in Philadelphia). Working in downtown Philly, although not nearly as crowded as NYC, can be a challenge for me at times. I don't necessarily worry about what I will do in a high stress situation (I am actually quite good at keeping my cool and helping others) but I worry what a sea of strangers would do if suddenly there was some sort of emergency. But I know I have it in me to PANIC. A few years ago, we had a fire scare in my office building. We work on the penthouse floor, 19 floors up...not terribly high as far as city buildings goes, but it's one hell of a hike to go down 19 floors of stairs. In fact, it takes about 15-20 minutes at an uninterrupted pace. This particular day they entire building evacuated, I could hear the screaming fire engines racing down Walnut St and the energy amongst the people heading into the stairwell was becoming a little grim. People weren't politely chatting or laughing any more, they were focused on one thing...getting out. I heard whispers of smoke on the 3rd or 4th floor -- we were still at the 14th floor...I picked up the pace springing down the steps. Then I found myself behind two women walking side-by-side blocking the stairwell. I not-so-patiently slowed down behind them and felt my heart rate speeding up...they were casually walking down the steps, putting both feet on each and every stair. The panic bubbled up and I pushed past them and ran down another 8-9 flights only to find myself stuck behind hundreds of people near the 3rd floor. I think I scared a few of my coworkers who eventually caught up with me only to find me near tears and about to throw up. For someone who acts cool, calm and collected 98% of the time I am sure it must have been some sight to see.

I swear this story is loosely related to horses. You see, watching that documentary about Queen made me think about the Olympics. Specifically, the crowds at the Olympics. I am preemptively worried about how I will feel surrounded by thousands of strangers trying to get to and from the same places (what if there's a Tube strike!). I'll be with family, so that will help, but I start feeling a little nauseous just thinking about being there. Luckily, the cross country day of eventing only allows 12,000 people (only, ha) and the other events are held in a stadium, so I should be ok...right? I am worried that while horses from all over the world are competing before my eyes, I will be looking for the nearest exit, or trying to figure out whether or not the overweight guy two seats over can move quickly enough in an emergency...

Perhaps I should chill out. We don't even have our tickets yet.

**I am going to my trainer's farm this weekend to take pictures at event camp! The girls and Betsy are coming up from VA! Can't wait!