You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face...You must do the thing you think you cannot do. -Eleanor Roosevelt
I know I have been a bit absent in updating, but I thought that writing about each ride would somehow get painfully boring...then I discovered a blog that I read from start to finish (http://rockandracehorses.wordpress.com/) and was inspired by not only her amazing photography, but her calculated way of keeping notes on each and every training ride. I can't say I will ever have that kind of dedication but I really should write more often.
A few weeks ago I was riding outside and Kiki was just fighting me every step. I had given her a few days off and she was not keen about having to work and she insisted on being a giraffe and running around leaning on my hands inverted (if that's even possible). We had brief moments where I pushed her forward enough that she finally relaxed her head, then her neck, and finally her back, but it would be for just a few strides...then back to the fight. I know it's only been a few months of training, but I felt like I was at an impasse with her...why couldn't she just relax and stop fighting, why can't she carry herself around without leaning on me and stop relying on her forehand? Is she lazy...yes...I think often horses that are young and out of shape will try to go the easy route...but she's getting a little more fit and come on, I have seen her out in the pasture carrying herself around beautifully, flying lead changes and all...but all the leg in the world won't get her to move out, or off my leg (that is another fight) and even a small smack with a crop will some times send her into a fit of crow hopping and defiance. What is confusing about her is that she IS actually sensitive to aids...when I first get on I don't let my calves really touch her sides because she is so sensitive, as we start our walk warm up I gradually increasing my leg on her, wrapping her barrel with my calves and asking her quietly to step under and use her hind end. I digress, but on this particular day another girl was cooling down her mare and she said, "have you ever trotted her around on a loose rein?" Ha! Loose rein? Are you nuts? So she can grab the bit and buck me off? No way! Wait...what WOULD happen if I did just that? I don't have to make my reins 6 feet long, I can lengthen them without throwing them away, so let's see what she'll do. It wasn't until the next ride that I tried this and after we warmed up a little, I let the reins slip through my fingers and stopped holding her. She sucked back, I pushed her on, she trotted around choppy with her head up, I pushed even more, she lengthened her trot and dropped her head -- FINALLY! I asked for more and more trot, posting light and big, staying out of her way and forcing her to hold herself up. She seemed confused that I wasn't supporting her, but she met me half way and that's really all I wanted. I knew she wasn't going to run away with me (that would be entirely too much work) but I was concerned she'd fall flat on her face without support from me. she didn't try to crow hop or buck, never shook her head in defiance, didn't throw a temper tantrum and seemed to enjoy her new found freedom with me on board.
After riding her that way for a few days I had a lesson where B had me work on trot lengthening and collecting and she was floored by the difference. She asked me what I was doing differently and I said, "I had to let go to get her back." I explained my a-ha! moment riding alone and how it was making sense and she was thrilled to see me apply it in the lesson. The end of that lesson involved Kiki down right refusing to pick up her right lead canter and building up into a huge explosion...B saw it brewing and had me give her a good swat with the crop, much to Kiki's disliking represented by a series of bucks and leaps almost getting me off. I think Kiki has finially figured out that I WILL NOT give up and will push through even the biggest tantrum and, when needed, the dreaded stick-of-persuasion can back me up!
Fear manifests itself differently for each rider...I would say that my biggest fear (outside of a horse with a rearing problem) is contemplating the "what ifs" when I ride. I figured out through this little exercise that I have to trust the relationship I have built with this mare and consider those what ifs, and push through to the other side. The only thing I can count on is this moment, right now, on her back...not what will happen in 5 or 10 minutes, or if a deer bursts out of the woods, or a horse bolts, if the hay truck arrives, or her friends get turned out while we're riding...I have to rely on this moment. I cannot be defeated by the possibility of what MIGHT happen. I can only try.
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