Agoraphobia: fear of situations in which escape is difficult

Sing it, Freddy!

A few nights ago, I watched a brilliant documentary about Queen (ahem, the music group not her Majesty). I held a sing-a-long for 2 hours, alone  -- though my neighbors probably heard me -- and I found myself reminiscing about long car rides with my Dad as a child. These were hours spent driving to and from the horse farm and it was then that his musical tastes started to influence me. Living in England it seemed natural to love The Beatles (and we did), and my Dad had a real thing for Paul McCartney. We listened to Fleetwood Mac, ABBA, Tracy Chapman and of course Queen. Queen was a group that was misunderstood initially in the US, but in England they were already huge stars. I would watch concerts replayed on television and thought naively how amazing it must have been to stand there in a sea of people and sing "We Are The Champions" along with Freddy and the rest of the boys. Watching the documentary rekindled that though...oh my, how special it must have been to see them play. Thousands and thousands of people all singing together in solidarity...suddenly, I found myself feeling nauseous...my hands got clammy and before I knew it I started thinking about worst case scenarios in that big stadium. You see, as someone who has struggled with slight variations of panic disorder, I find the idea of being in a massive crowd like that nearly sickening. Want some insight into the anxious/worrier personality? Here's how my thought process develops: first and foremost, how do you use the bathroom? I mean, do people wear diapers? Go on the floor? Ask someone to hold their spot to make the trek off to the port-a-potty to wait in line for an hour? What happens if you lose the people you came to the concert with? They didn't have cell phones back then...did they have a meet up spot? Nah, all those people seemed too cool for that. What if there was a fire? What if the stage collapsed? Did they know where the closest exit was? What if you passed out, was there ANY chance of getting medical care or would you have your face stomped to the beat of "We Will Rock You"? Sigh.

Can you even imagine?

This, my friends, is a sad reality I have to deal with as an adult. I am plagued with a mild case of Agoraphobia (and not in the sense that I have a fear of open spaces or leaving the house) the fear of situations in which escape is difficult. I generally avoid large crowds and stick to smaller venues to see bands I like. I have gone to very few big sporting events (and I am developing a love for baseball living in Philadelphia). Working in downtown Philly, although not nearly as crowded as NYC, can be a challenge for me at times. I don't necessarily worry about what I will do in a high stress situation (I am actually quite good at keeping my cool and helping others) but I worry what a sea of strangers would do if suddenly there was some sort of emergency. But I know I have it in me to PANIC. A few years ago, we had a fire scare in my office building. We work on the penthouse floor, 19 floors up...not terribly high as far as city buildings goes, but it's one hell of a hike to go down 19 floors of stairs. In fact, it takes about 15-20 minutes at an uninterrupted pace. This particular day they entire building evacuated, I could hear the screaming fire engines racing down Walnut St and the energy amongst the people heading into the stairwell was becoming a little grim. People weren't politely chatting or laughing any more, they were focused on one thing...getting out. I heard whispers of smoke on the 3rd or 4th floor -- we were still at the 14th floor...I picked up the pace springing down the steps. Then I found myself behind two women walking side-by-side blocking the stairwell. I not-so-patiently slowed down behind them and felt my heart rate speeding up...they were casually walking down the steps, putting both feet on each and every stair. The panic bubbled up and I pushed past them and ran down another 8-9 flights only to find myself stuck behind hundreds of people near the 3rd floor. I think I scared a few of my coworkers who eventually caught up with me only to find me near tears and about to throw up. For someone who acts cool, calm and collected 98% of the time I am sure it must have been some sight to see.

I swear this story is loosely related to horses. You see, watching that documentary about Queen made me think about the Olympics. Specifically, the crowds at the Olympics. I am preemptively worried about how I will feel surrounded by thousands of strangers trying to get to and from the same places (what if there's a Tube strike!). I'll be with family, so that will help, but I start feeling a little nauseous just thinking about being there. Luckily, the cross country day of eventing only allows 12,000 people (only, ha) and the other events are held in a stadium, so I should be ok...right? I am worried that while horses from all over the world are competing before my eyes, I will be looking for the nearest exit, or trying to figure out whether or not the overweight guy two seats over can move quickly enough in an emergency...

Perhaps I should chill out. We don't even have our tickets yet.

**I am going to my trainer's farm this weekend to take pictures at event camp! The girls and Betsy are coming up from VA! Can't wait!

My future horse OR the white whale

As a true horse girl I have always dreamt of my "future horse". I've not only etched out what this horse looks like but what its personality would be like, how it would come running across a huge field, hooves thundering, to greet me at the sound of my voice. How we'd ride around bareback exploring new territory together, go for picnics and share lunch, swim in rivers together, and maybe one day even win a few blue ribbons. This imaginary horse has changed over the years and as I have gotten a little older, and less idealistic, I have a fairly good idea of what I want my future horse to be, and this time it doesn't involve wings or the ability to speak English. So as I think longingly about my future horse I've given a lot of thought (more than I should even admit to) about what it's show name would be. I decided this name years and years ago and I've kept it a carefully guarded secret until now.

in which I love my job (for a fleeting moment)

We're on the backside of the London Book Fair now and as the carts of books come through receiving and onto cataloging, I can only hope that there might be something on those carts to pique my interest. To the everyday person my job is quite interesting, and it's true, I am surrounded by rare pieces of history all day long -- in fact, I am one of the few people in the office that gets to handle each and every piece of inventory. But, as I close in on my 6th year here I will admit, I am jaded by these beautiful, scarce texts. I joke with my assistant about how boring certain volumes are (for example, anything written about economics or the stock market -- no matter how valuable -- is completely snooze-worthy), I cringe when an elephant folio comes my way (Roberts Holy Land, I'm looking at you -- 8 volumes weighing in at a combined 350lbs -- and all yours for $500,000) and don't get me started on signed baseball books written in the last 100 years. Barf.

So last week, as the books started to pour through the office and carts started filling up outside my studio, I crossed my fingers that something cool would be waiting for me. Protocol here means that I photograph the "expensive" stuff first (usually sales people already have it selected for clients) and then I shoot all the "other inventory". This other inventory we refer to as "B" books, basically anything under 5K. This is usually where the dregs of the rare book industry are lurking, so I often put off shooting these books until the inventory manger is breathing down my neck.

of google calendars and taking care of business...

So, as stated in previous posts, I've had quite a bit of Real. Life. Responsibility to take care of. I'm getting it done. I have a new roommate nearly secured, though I will miss my current one desperately -- he's leaving big shoes to fill (quite literally). I've been meeting new and exciting people, gardening, and enjoying the beautiful weather. Everything seems to be a little easier even after just a few weeks of FOCUS. I had yet another root canal last week *shakes fist at dentist stealing my horse funds*...but I can see a light at the end of that tunnel there and that feels rewarding. I spent a large portion of the last week working out my finances so I can switch everything over to a credit union instead of a major bank. The long term goal here is to get a car in the next year, and after that...a horse. Having my money in a credit union will make all of that much easier to attain even if switching my bank account over is a HUGE pain in the butt right now.

My google calendar is filling up again...appointments, dates, and events...just the next few weeks are going to be so busy (but FUN) -- and only ONE of those plans is horse related!. Next week the movie "BUCK" comes to Landmark theaters in Philadelphia and I CANNOT wait to see it. For those of you unfamiliar, Buck Brannaman was the inspiration for the film, "The Horse Whisperer". Here's a quote from the movie that hits close to home for me these days...followed by the trailer.

Your horse is a mirror to your soul, and sometimes you may not like what you see. Sometimes, you will.

 **If you live near Philly, let's go see this together!
***He's coming to this area in the fall and I really want to audit a course!
****Also, I am going to sob like a child watching this film...you've been forewarned.

CANTER MIDATLANTIC

So, I've been stalking Canter USA's site for the last couple of days. Knowing that Emily got both of her horses from there (directly from the trainer, I believe) and that she has a couple of people as resources to find good horses off the track has kicked my possible search for a horse into high gear. I am beginning to determine a criteria for the kind of horse I'd like, though it's not refined enough to share just yet. Obviously, I'm not going to get one right now...a year from now? Well, yes...maybe. Unless of course another project comes my way between now and then. Above all things, it doesn't hurt to look...right?

The canter site has pretty strict rules regarding distribution of their photos, etc...so I can only post links. But if you find yourself bored enough to read my blog, you won't mind clicking on a link or two...or three.

First up:

Stormy Eclipse

*She's a little more than I'd like to pay for a horse with no real under saddle training, but...she's REALLY nicely put together. She's got a lovely shoulder and I like her big bodied confirmation. I'm only 5'6" and 15.3 is actually a perfect height for me as long as they're not scrawny.  It doesn't hurt that's she a dapple grey mare either;) She's 8 and she raced which would make me a bit more concerned...but certainly worth watching.

Next:

Love on a Wire

*There is something very special about this horse. After looking at so many and gathering what you can from the internet, certain horses just seem to stand out. He's got a real look of intelligence and with some time off and new muscles, he's going to look incredible. He's got some great looking legs too! Swooooon.


Finally:

Laduska

*She's the youngest of the bunch, and under that woolly coat I can see lots of potential. She's a little less flashy than the first two, but there's something sweet about her. Again, she's got that bigger bodied shape in a smaller height. I'd love to see some spring time photos of her!

Ok, back to regular life again...

Prime Time Charlie

Here he is: 16hh, big-bodied, 4 year old OTTB -- lower level event prospect!

Emily is 5'11" with legs for days!

Baby shoulder-in

picking up some vibes...

Yesterday was proof that horses are incredibly adept at sensing and reacting to vibes in the air. Emily and I arrived to the farm around 12:30 or so and it was eerily quiet. She mentioned that Sundays are generally low key days there, but there was something a bit unique about that way the farm felt when we got out of the car. We both looked at each other and commented on it. We went inside and a young girl with shorts, half chaps and a helmet came into the tack room and told us that just before we had arrived, a woman who had been riding in the indoor took a nasty fall. Her horse spooked at one end of the arena (I found out later she has been thinking of selling him due to constant spooking) and she landed really hard on her back. She didn't get up right away and emergency services were called. According to the girl, two fire trucks and a few ambulances arrived and quickly assessed that the woman needed to be airlifted out of there. The only field available for a helicopter to land was filled with horses in turnout and there were several horses in private turnouts nearby. Everyone on the property scrambled to get each and every horse inside before they could land the chopper. The girl was still out of breath and covered in sweat when she recanted the story to us so it was hard to believe with how quiet the farm seemed, that only moments before had been utter chaos. Hopefully the woman involved will be ok. She and her horse were scheduled to go to HITS Saugerties in the next week or so.

We got the boys out and Emily checked Jacks leg (he had cut it open a few weeks ago and it's healing nicely). She wrapped him in some polos and put him in a small round pen to stretch his legs and eat some grass. We groomed Charlie for his photo shoot and took him to one end of the barn aisle to set up the shot. After a few minutes of shooting, Emily peeked around the corner to see if Jack was keeping all his feet on the ground...um, not so much. He was rearing and walking around on his back legs, practically climbing out of the round pen. She handed me Charlie and ran off to bring him in. This is a horse you have to draaaaaaag behind you when you're leading him and he acted like a wild eyed colt as she tried to get him into the barn without incident. I yelled down the aisle that he looked ready for the "jog". Something in the air? I'll say.

We finished Charlie's photo shoot and we got him tacked up. I was really excited about riding him again and Emily wanted to see me jump him (I was admittedly really nervous about jumping in front of her). So we headed straight up to the jumping field (it's a big, beautiful field with rolling hills and lots of neat jumps everywhere). I got on and he was antsy to say the least. Emily went off to start setting some jumps and I started warming him up. There was some head shaking (uncharacteristic of him) and he seems a bit more tense than the day before, but I figured he's work out of it. I wasn't about to tolerate silly behavior even if he is only 4! The bugs were REALLY bad and we had forgotten to fly spray him, so Emily ran off to the barn to grab some. She suggested I do some walk-canter-walk transitions to get him light on his forehand, so off we went. I got a beautiful walk-canter from him and I immediately got into a light seat (Emily's saddle is a VERY forward XC saddle that's a bit big for me) and then I sat a little, and then got back into a light seat. I was about to ask for a down transition when...was that a BUCK? Buck...BUCK...holy shit he DOES have a buck...BUCK (I saw his hind quarters out of the corner of my eye)...I'm going to fall off and Emily is now a speck on the horizon almost at the barn...don't lose it now Niamh...I sat deep, looked up, pulled his head up and kicked him forward. Phew! I was curious if Emily saw any of it (she caught either the beginning or the end of it)...and I was proud of myself for not losing it or falling off -- how embarrassing that would have been. We walked around until she got back and I told her what happened. She mentioned that he tried a little buck with her sister-in-law but nothing major, but that she has seen him buck wildly on the longe line. I got off and she hopped on, I just wanted to see if she felt the same tension/agitation that I was getting. His bucks almost suggested a tack issue...but there was no evidence to suggest that...We think it was likely the bugs so we took him back to the outdoor arena away from the long grass. He still seemed quite tense and bratty, and I was slightly relieved that it wasn't something that was just happening for me. She trotted him over some ground poles and he cantered/hopped and nearly offered a buck. Odd. I mentioned that perhaps all the commotion on the farm earlier probably created a bit of an electric atmosphere and she agreed. He was even wild-eyed in the wash stall -- which she said was completely out of character...

Oh horses.

I'm sad he's leaving because I would have loved to ride him a few more times with Emily and Jack (now that he's nearly better). Once Jack's 100% sound and mostly sane she said I can try him too! In the meantime she's going to keep an eye out for any potential projects around the farm. There's an adorable 16h dark bay mare coming off stall rest that would be perfect for me. She's a little OTTB, 3, and just as sweet as can be. Has a walk, trot, canter and has gone over a cross rail or two. I poked my head into her stall to say hello, and she soooooo wanted to go do something. We shut the door and squealed and bounced around her stall! I may take some jumper lessons with a trainer there to get my sea legs back over fences too!

Follow up post to come, complete with photos!

eye opening

I can hardly describe what a different experience I had riding with Emily yesterday. The barn is gorgeous, home to around a hundred beautiful horses (mostly hunter/jumper types). Though the farm itself doesn't have a manager, there's a staff and three trainers that more or less run the place. Everyone was friendly and welcoming and I didn't feel out of place for a second. I was worried that at a hunter/jumper barn I might feel a little odd. I was soooo excited to meet Charlie and to see Jack again. He has really blossomed and looks fantastic. I'm still in awe of Emily's ability to see Jack as a 2 year old on the track and understand that there was something really special about him (potential to be an upper level event horse). One of the neat things about her two horses is that they have dramatically different personalities on the ground and under saddle. Charlie is a ham on the ground, a bit pushy and opinionated. Jack wants you to hold his head in the cross ties, and you practically have to drag him out of his stall (he was laying down knee deep in straw when we arrived -- co cute). Under saddle, Charlie is ALL business, and completely unflappable. Did I mention he's 4??? She picked him up off the track in November and has been working with him since then. He just completed his first little horse trial and won his dressage division. Jack, who's coming off of a month on stall rest, was pretty amped up. As soon as I got on Charlie I relaxed...he trucked me around quietly while Jack danced around a little. At one point we were going in opposite directions and as we went to pass each other Jack came unglued, leaped away from Charlie squealing. Both Emily and I started laughing...silly pony. Oh, and Charlie? Didn't flick an ear. His best buddy in the whole world just bolted away screeching and he didn't miss a beat.

What's special about Charlie is that he's green but sane. I loved riding him because he's had great training so far, but he still needs lots of education. He's exactly the kind of horse I would want if I was looking for one. Sadly, he's leaving on Tuesday for Virginia to be sold out of Phyllis Dawson's farm. He's going to make someone a very nice lower level event mount.

The truth is, riding at a great place, with an awesome rider was inspiring and at one point Emily looked at me and said, "you need a horse of your own". Sigh...I know.

Best news? She invited me out again today to ride Charlie and dun, dun, dunnnn...she's going to set some jumps for me!!!!!!

Time to go throw on my riding pants!

short-lived horsey hiatus...sorta

I've been working hard on getting the annoying things (responsibilities) under control in my life. Much progress is being made on that front, and I have to say the momentary reprieve from riding has been welcomed and appreciated. I've been utilizing my time effectively and followed through on some small promises made to myself over the last few weeks.

I miss riding, it's true...all the horse blog reading and Youtube video watching won't change that. So in an effort to keep that flame alive, I reached out to a friend (the girl responsible for introducing me to my instructor) to see if I could catch a ride out to the farm to see B and the ponies. We're figuring out a good day to arrange it and I am super excited to see all the familiar faces again. Then, last night I got an email from Emily (the advanced event rider I mentioned in a previous blog post). She asked if I wanted to go riding on Saturday! She's excited for me to meet Charlie, the horse she's co-owns and who's leaving for sale soon and her horse Jack. I met Jack when he first came off the track as he was let down and rehabbed at my instructors farm. At that point he was throwing himself on the ground when he'd get turned out and freaking out everywhere else being completely nuts. He recently just finished his very first pre-baby-novice HT!!!!

So on to tomorrow, riding with a an advanced rider and her two lovely prospects and hopefully learning a thing or two:)

Yay!