torn apart

I have been trying to figure out a way to write about this all weekend. I guess I should just start somewhere.

B told me Saturday that they are going to sell Kiki. We were having a conversation about her and how well she did in the lesson on Thursday and she just kinda switched gears and blurted it out. She said she can't imagine her ever being a successful addition to their lesson program and that ultimately without one consistent rider she will always be a liability. She referenced the times she has kicked people in the past and that she's unpredictable at best. And despite having me as a potential rider for her indefinitely, she said that she is taking up resources that would be better invested in a more reliable horse -- they actually have a new pony coming at the end of the month.

Ultimately, it's not a surprise to me that they would want to sell her. She is one of two homebreds and she just pales in comparison to a leggy 16.3 dark bay gelding. She has put lots of time, effort, and money into him and Kiki has been left in a pasture. They might both be 6 but she hasn't had nearly the same training as he has. But she's sound, she's an easy keeper, and overall she has tons of athletic potential. She would make a great horse for someone, someone like me.

Because of our conversation, my mind has been in a flurry thinking about it. There's no real market for horse sales right now, and she's not even close to being ready for marketing, but B is planning on getting on her soon and polishing her up. I think that worst case scenario, they put her up for sale before winter, otherwise she'll probably have to wait until next spring (she looks pretty terrible in the winter). So, I am guessing I will at least have another couple of months to work with her, maybe get her to a few shows to put some mileage on her.

There's a pit of dread in my stomach thinking about my journey with her having an end point. Realistically, I knew there would be...either my "lease" would end when she could be ridden safely, or she would get sold. I keep thinking maybe I am doing a terrible job with her, or she's not moving along as fast as they would like. I've been beating myself up a lot about her. Although B did say I would have first option to buy her, I am not really sure if I could right now...seeing her leave will be a very sad day for me and I hope it's not anytime soon.

The last two rides on her were really good. Saturday she rode wonderfully. All it did was make me sad. I need to snap out of this and make the most of our time together.

*In other fun news, B and I started planning the cross country portion of the event camp happening in 2 weeks! We are going to make lots of new jumps!