a few impromptu portraits from today's session

Maggie:




Charlie:



Arizona:


*excuse the dirty halters and un-groomed ponies

it's called a payment plan

That's what B said when I mentioned that I was just going to have to figure out a way to purchase Kiki.

You see, even though she's not exactly the horse I would want (if I had an unlimited budget, etc), she IS a horse I feel very connected to. One that I can see a future with. And, well...much like Hugo, she may have decided that I belong to HER.

*tomorrow I get to teach the event girls photography! I have some fun ideas planned.

distractions

Since the weekend I have been trying to fight off the blues by helping out around the farm in preparation for the event camp going on next week. It's not that I don't want to ride Kiki anymore, but I feel funny. I think taking a lesson (tomorrow) on her will help get me back into things. We had been spending so much time alone over the last few weeks and I felt like we were in this special place -- hearing about her possibly going up for sale sort of threw a wrench in that progress. I know, she's probably not going anywhere right now and I need to stop worrying, but this whole thing has me off track. It doesn't help that I think I suffer from seasonal affective disorder of the summer variety.

In the meantime, I have been building cross country fences with B all over the farm! We've been having so much fun together and with all of hers years of experience and my creativity I think we've come up with some neat (and inviting) fences for the girls to hop over. I am going to take some photos tomorrow of everything we put together. I think Kiki and I are going to test the striding on some of the small stuff too. Since I have been helping out (and B knows how much I love XC jumping) she's letting me ride one of the seasoned horses on the XC jump day! I am excited to join their camp and get to school some fun fences! Let's hope I remember how to jump, Kiki more or less heaves herself over anything smaller than 2 feet.

I am also teaching a segment on equine photography! Oh, and I am making ribbons for a little mini-event they will have at the end of camp -- I know you can get inexpensive ones from all sorts of places, but I wanted to make really silly ones. Pictures of those to follow too!

torn apart

I have been trying to figure out a way to write about this all weekend. I guess I should just start somewhere.

B told me Saturday that they are going to sell Kiki. We were having a conversation about her and how well she did in the lesson on Thursday and she just kinda switched gears and blurted it out. She said she can't imagine her ever being a successful addition to their lesson program and that ultimately without one consistent rider she will always be a liability. She referenced the times she has kicked people in the past and that she's unpredictable at best. And despite having me as a potential rider for her indefinitely, she said that she is taking up resources that would be better invested in a more reliable horse -- they actually have a new pony coming at the end of the month.

Ultimately, it's not a surprise to me that they would want to sell her. She is one of two homebreds and she just pales in comparison to a leggy 16.3 dark bay gelding. She has put lots of time, effort, and money into him and Kiki has been left in a pasture. They might both be 6 but she hasn't had nearly the same training as he has. But she's sound, she's an easy keeper, and overall she has tons of athletic potential. She would make a great horse for someone, someone like me.

Because of our conversation, my mind has been in a flurry thinking about it. There's no real market for horse sales right now, and she's not even close to being ready for marketing, but B is planning on getting on her soon and polishing her up. I think that worst case scenario, they put her up for sale before winter, otherwise she'll probably have to wait until next spring (she looks pretty terrible in the winter). So, I am guessing I will at least have another couple of months to work with her, maybe get her to a few shows to put some mileage on her.

There's a pit of dread in my stomach thinking about my journey with her having an end point. Realistically, I knew there would be...either my "lease" would end when she could be ridden safely, or she would get sold. I keep thinking maybe I am doing a terrible job with her, or she's not moving along as fast as they would like. I've been beating myself up a lot about her. Although B did say I would have first option to buy her, I am not really sure if I could right now...seeing her leave will be a very sad day for me and I hope it's not anytime soon.

The last two rides on her were really good. Saturday she rode wonderfully. All it did was make me sad. I need to snap out of this and make the most of our time together.

*In other fun news, B and I started planning the cross country portion of the event camp happening in 2 weeks! We are going to make lots of new jumps!

She rides like a pony

It's not just any rider that can appreciate a chestnut mare. Certainly not. I have mentioned that most of the girls at the farm are terrified of riding Kiki...it's not an exaggeration. Many of the girls have seen her progress over the last few months and are still not willing to get on. But Grace, when given the choice between Kiki and another fantastic school horse, jumped at the chance. I found out later that Kiki has a little fan club. One of the girls who trailers in her beautiful bay mare has been more or less begging to ride her, and another little girl who has ridden in a few lessons with Kiki and I has also asked about riding her! Ha!

I was so excited about Grace riding her and if I am being honest there was just the slightest twinge of jealousy, but I think it came from a good place. I got there to help Grace with her tack and routine and when B left to run to the house Grace asked me what the deal was with Kiki. I gave her a rundown of what to expect and how she rides, but I knew she'd be fine. I helped her lunge her for a few minutes on each side, and then she got on. Kiki marched forward (as I suspected she would -- I had warned Grace to keep her legs off her for the first few minutes). She looked fantastic. Getting to see her from the ground with a rider who is similar to me was completely helpful. Her trot has improved so much in the last couple of weeks and it was so nice to see her moving freely, her back swinging and her little toes flipping out. She was reaching for contact and not relying on her forehand to drag herself around. They did a little canter in each direction and I was really proud of her for making a nice transition on her left lead. Grace did a fantastic job of not "chasing" her into the canter -- which I think is really important with a green horse. The switched to the right which was a bit of a disaster, but Grace stuck with her. I think she was worried about how rough she could be with her, but once she figured that part out she really rode her. At one point they picked up the right lead and cantered on, Kiki started twisting her body and nearly took out a jump standard, then hopped over a cavaletti unintentionally and a few ground poles...oops. They regrouped and worked on the transition a few more times. It was refreshing to see that Grace wasn't just going to get on and make it look easy. I was really concerned that my riding was holding her back. It's not that I wanted her to struggle, I think I just needed confirmation of where Kiki is and what to expect from her.

They started doing some work over poles and Grace couldn't believe how Kiki bounced over them, she thought they were cantering at one point! I guess all our pole work has been helping! Then they set up some small cross rails and Kiki sort of threw herself over them the first few times. They got a little bigger and she started trying to get out of it, but Grace got right after her. Then, at one point she came over the poles and stopped completely in front of the jump and fell onto her knees (all in slow motion) hit the cross rails and knocked down everything, even the standards. She got up fine and Grace laid into her. Don't you know she came back through and pulled her knees up to her chin. Silly girl. I have never met a horse that tries so hard to get out of work! She's not out of shape anymore, but she IS fat (not sure if that makes sense), so I think she tries to take the easy way out. They did lots of passes over that jump and then added a little oxer. She was still trying to be goofy, but she was jumping really nice. Knees up and even, cantering away after the fences. Good Girl!

I had been doing lots of little exercises thanks to my new books that I think have really been helping her. She seems to really like to jump, once she figures out what's expected of her.

All in all, I was really proud of her. I am pretty sure I was just beaming the whole time. Grace and I recapped when she got off and she said she just LOVED her! YAY! We are going to try to work out something where she rides her once or twice a week too! Apparently Grace used to have a chestnut pony named Jersey that rode like a smaller version of Kiki. I really feel like she rides like a pony and that's part of why I like her so much. You have to really RIDE her, or she takes advantage. I am so glad that she didn't scare or annoy Grace!

I can't wait to ride her this weekend. I think I want to set up a grid for her to work on and definitely focus on canter departs. The transition work we've been doing has really help strengthen her hind end, and she's starting to really step under herself.

I feel really encouraged by her progress!

Photo spoiler alert

Getting to know each other...Kiki looks so cute!


I adore Kiki here...she finally has a consistent trot, and Grace loved it!


Grace's first time around left lead canter -- her face says it all.

*The lesson was awesome to witness. I really needed to see her from the ground. Lots of great things happened and a few goofy things too...more on that tomorrow!

ask and you will receive

So...in my last post I wrote that I was wishing for someone else to ride Ms. Kiki. Well, today my instructor sent me a text asking if she could use Kiki tonight and that if I wanted to take the night off I could. So I curiously wrote back asking if she was planning on using Kiki for a lesson. She replied saying that Grace (who is leasing B's other 6 year old green bean) needed someone to ride tonight since Charlie needs a few more days off. I couldn't have been more excited. I responded saying that I would be happy to hack a school horse around (for some fun riding -- imagine that) and I would LOVE to watch Grace ride her. For one thing, Grace is a terrific rider, extremely capable and unflappable in most scenarios. She's seen me ride Kiki and she gets what her antics are. Of all the riders taking lessons, Grace is certainly my first pick for a new rider! I told B that I couldn't wait to come watch her ride (even if that means I don't get to ride at all!)

So...stay tuned. I will try to at least take some video of someone else riding the mare!

Hooray!

*I am a little nervous that Grace will ride her better than me, but that's a risk I am willing to take. Oh, to be 15 and fearless again!

sometimes she is pure evil

After months and months of training the mare, I forget easily that she was once a total monster to work with. For a little while we would have three good days and then one terrible day...we developed a pattern where I could count on her for a few days in a row and then brace myself for the inevitable. In fact, when I look at my google calendar you can clearly see the pattern (and it is usually during lessons that she acts like a bitch). So I have gotten a little complacent with her. I trust her now...which is both good and bad. I am always trying to figure out if she sees me as a leader or as another member of her herd. It's clear that she accepts me and enjoys being around me. We definitely have a bond and it's very sweet to see how much she's softened over the last few months. Anyway, last night I helped out doing evening chores at the barn, which wound up taking forever because the turnout schedule is all wacky and then a guy shows up in the middle of everything to speak with L about having some thoroughbreds backed. The guy was really nice so I gave him a tour of the farm and he met the horses etc. When we got to Kiki's pasture she came over to say hello and was being a little cutie pie, I insisted she's actually a monster, ha! So fast forward to a little later and L and I are trying to switch up a few of the geldings and there are two fawns trapped in the paddock, we try chasing them out but they can't figure out how to escape and they wind up spooking the two horses which alerts Kiki, so she and the herd come cantering over to see what the ruckus is all about. L had me go in an grab her (since I was going to ride) and let the rest of the mares into the bigger turnout. Holy crap, she was not happy about that. I don't know if she was upset because it was me that took the other horses away or (more likely) she was mad because they got turned out and she had to go work. At this point L and the potential client are standing with Kiki who is acting like a right idiot. Now L doesn't put up with those kind of shenanigans so he was correcting her the whole time. I get through the gate and he hands her off to me and I am hoping she'll just chill out and walk nicely back to the barn She starts running around me in circles, and since I was holding an extra lead rope, I flipped it around and slapped her in the chest...and then, she reared violently yanking the lead rope through my hands at a record pace (I was sure all the skin was gone from my hands**) the only thing saving me here was experience as I let the lead slip through my hands and then got a firm hold pulling her back down to earth (meanwhile she's hopping around threatening to do more damage bucking in place) a few more firm tugs and a "knock it off!" got her listening again, as she dropped her head and sheepishly walked back to the barn. She was still trying my patience acting like a 2 year old, but she knew better than to pull another stunt like that. I wedged my elbow into her neck and pushed against her shoulder reminding her that I would NOT be dragged back to the barn. I was worried I had made a bad impression on the new client, but since he breeds race horses for a living, I am sure what she did was small fries.

I was soooo exhausted after finishing all the chores (I haven't been sleeping well lately) but I knew there was no way I could let her get away with that temper tantrum. She was promptly thrown in a stall while I mucked a few more stalls. I did a super quick groom as it was getting dark and decided to take the stirrups off her saddle (I was simply too tired to ride) and got her working on the lunge line. She was going to work...she was going to work until she looked at me saying "can we stop now?" Then she would work a little more. It simply cannot be up to her when she leaves her field, or when she works, or for how long. I lunged her for 30 minutes total with lots of transitions, she was soaked, and huffing and puffing. I wanted to hop on her and walk her out but this deemed to be a bit difficult with no stirrups and she was not even a little bit cooperative. She started spooking at everything we I tried to hop on, and at one point I got half way, she started walking away and I kind slipped and hit my ribs on the saddle...I winded myself because I broke my ribs a year ago and they are still really sensitive...I gave up and hand walked her.

One step forward, three steps back. Oh the joys of a green horse.

On a side note, we still have some silly ground issues to deal with. When I first started working with she was nearly impossible to bridle, she would throw her head around like a cannonball. I was warned that could easily knock me out if I wasn't paying attention. I am not sure how this behavior developed but I suspect she started using it as an evasion technique and realized it was intimidating. On this front she has gotten much, much better. She drops her head quietly for the bit and is relatively sane while I fasten everything. The issue comes when it's time to do ANYTHING regarding the bridle after that. Attaching side reins, feeding the lunge line through, untying the reins from the throat latch...she turns into a monster. She throws her head around when you get near her and makes it really difficult, especially towards the end of any session. The things is, she's not head shy, she just knows that if she puts up enough fuss you'll stop, so it becomes a battle. She snorts and stamps her front feet in protest. I have learned that sticking with her is the best solution and the faster I can make my adjustments the better. Taking off her bridle is a god damn nightmare, but I have started a little training with her when every time she moves her head I stop (a little different that what I just mentioned, ha!), then I hold my position, ie. I won't pull the bridle over her ears until she'll let me hold onto the bridle near the poll with no fuss. She HAS to learn how to do this quietly or I am going to wind up being the only person that will ride her (it's already that way for the most part). I'm not asking her to do anything complicated, she's not in pain, so she needs to get over it.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about how she will react to someone else working with her. I'd love to see someone else ride her but right now there's not a single person at the barn who will outside of the racehorses exercise rider and he'll ride anything.

**it should be noted, NO skin was removed during this stunt..though I can't feel my finger tips very well and there are some blisters under the skin, my callused hands saved the day.

photoshoppery

bored at work...

inspiration lost in sirens

As embarrassed as I am to admit this, my depression has taken a strangle hold of me once again. I have kept it at bay for almost a year after titrating off meds and generally taking very good care of myself. Lately, everything feels overwhelming and this, the feeling of being overwhelmed, is the one trigger that can send me in to a deep depression. I spent the weekend entirely indoors save for the few hours I was at the farm. I become a hermit when I am depressed. It's awful, I don't get out of my lounge pants, I don't want to walk Hugo, I don't go out for anything. Why am I admitting all of this here? Well, it's beginning to impact my riding in a strange way.

I have always counted on horses to keep me out of trouble. I think most of the blogs I follow are authored by girls much like myself, who at one point or another, needed horses in a way that no human could ever replace. They kept me away from peer pressure, boys, skipping school, and more than anything, they became a huge motivator. My Mom could get me to clean the house top to bottom just for permission to go to the stables. And while she may have exploited this power here and there...I was willing to do anything to ride. Lately, my depression has worsened and I found myself barely excited about going to the farm. In fact, I didn't go Tuesday OR Thursday...so even though I knew I HAD to go this weekend, I didn't feel like it.

Saturday morning I dragged myself out of bed and headed out to the farm reluctantly. Kiki was happy to see me, which always warms my heart (*each and every time she comes to me in the field I remember those moments she had me chasing her and the other mares for 20 minutes just to catch her). The mare likes me...it's quite funny, and I suspect she considers me a herd mate...which may end being a bad thing, but more likely she sees me as a treat factory. I decided to lunge her since I was going to ride indoors (the footing outside is like concrete) and I haven't taken her indoors in a long time, certainly not since her turnout was moved and I wasn't sure if she was going to be goofy...plus she had 5 days off (tsk, tsk). She was fairly good for most of the lunging, and I tightened the side reins so they were actually keeping her in a bit of a frame. It was reassuring to see her relax and use her back, drop her head and let out a few sneezes. I don't do too much on the lunge line because she's still finding her balance and a 20 meter circle can still be a lot to ask of her, so just 5 minutes either way and I hopped on. Well, I guess it's been a long time since I lunged her and then rode, but she felt fantastic! The 10 minutes I spent lunging her in side reins took 20 minutes of riding-a-giraffe-instead-of-a-horse out of our warm up. She was soft, using her back and on the aids almost immediately! She felt lovely and we trotted around on the lovely footing for 45 minutes doing lots of little exercises. It was nice being at the farm alone...riding at noon on a Saturday almost assures me of some quiet time, and it certainly helped my mood a little.

I remained a shut-in for the rest of the weekend until finally Sunday evening I decided to go ride. I was really in a terrible mood and I was moderately worried about how that would effect my ride. One of the things I (and likely lots of other female riders) have struggled with is NOT riding emotionally. I think that athleticism aside, this is the biggest way male and female riders differ...it's why the 18 year old male exercise rider can show up, ride the craziest racehorse-in-training and not even get slightly flustered...while I take it personally when Kiki does something bratty. Here's what happened. Kiki was in the farthest turnout, and although I clearly intruded on her early evening snack, she still greeted me and walked right over. We did much of the same routine as Saturday except I lunged her a little a little longer on each side and asked for some canter departs (*insert crow-hopping here). Once I got on she was again, light and forward and she just felt fantastic. So I started trotting, and trotting, and trotting...circles, transitions, bends, leg yields, more trotting...what had my bad mood allowed me? Tenacity. I rode, and kept riding. My mind was in such turmoil, I wasn't thinking about how long I had been riding, or that my legs were tired from posting, or that it was hot...I just pushed through it. For the first time since I have been riding Kiki she rode consistently at a steady forward pace, she was blowing through her nose with every other stride, and she felt athletic. We felt amazing together. I didn't want to stop, selfishly because I knew that reality would come crashing back...but we had a lovely ride. We cooled down outside and watched the sunset together. For that small chapter of my Sunday evening, Kiki saved me.



I tried to get a few nice photos of her (and being a photographer makes it especially frustrating) so she did her best to make it as challenging as possible. At least she has a sense of humor.

at some point I will update, but for now...a photo

Kiki's weird lump

And here is a photo of it:

We first thought this was maybe a tooth growing in strange. She recently scraped all the hair off catching her halter on something in turnout. I treated the wound which is healing nicely, but the hair still has some growing to do. Any thoughts on what this could be? It's hard and doesn't seem to be painful at all.

I got her to stand still for a few seconds with my thumb next to it for scale.